Grief and Then Some...

  I know it's been awhile since I wrote, trying to deal with so much.  Still dealing with Avery's death.  So many people I know are pregnant right now and it's really hard on me.  May 10 I'd be holding my precious baby girl.  Right now I'm just thinking why God?  You know I wanted a little girl more than anything in the world.  Ever since I was a little girl myself, I dreamed of the relationship I would have with my little girl.  I know it sounds weird, but my Mom and I don't have a relationship unfortunately.  I always needed that mother-daughter relationship.  It's what I've dreamed of.

  Now my chance is gone.  Avery was our last chance for a baby.  My husband doesn't want anymore and honestly I think if I would get pregnant again I would freak out at every little thing thinking I'd lose him/her.  Yesterday was a bad day.  My mind was wandering through cut scenes of tea parties, frilly dresses, baking and cooking together with my little girl.  I cried a lot yesterday.  I know I'll never understand why she couldn't stay, and it still hurts like heck.

  Honestly I feel really silly even telling anyone that I'm still grieving.  Most people would be "over it" by now, but I'm not even close.  I miss feeling movement and kicks.  I miss everything about being pregnant.  I don't bring it up much to people anymore because I don't want to hear comments about how it's been long enough.  So I bury it.  I bury the hurt, I bury the dreams, I bury the hopes I had for her.  The biggest reminder that I lost her is my hair falling out still and not being able to lose weight like I did after Ethan.  Nothing I'm doing is making any bit of difference.  My hair is an absolute mess.  So I get to go through all of the aftermath of having a baby but no baby.

  I know God has good plans for me, I believe that without a shadow of a doubt.  Right now is just so hard to understand anything.  Life will never be the same, I will never be the same.  It's hard for me to accept that because some days I just want life to go back to the way it was before Avery.  I want to forget what I went through and the deep pain embedded in my heart.  I can't, I can't forget it and not feel it.  I can't turn it off and pretend I'm ok.  I try to pretend I'm ok but when depression creeps in it's hard to put on a happy face.

So my question is, what now?  Where do we go from here?  How long will this last?  Will I find my peace and joy again?  I think in time I will.  I don't know when that will be, but for now I have to hold tight to God and weather this storm.  For any mama's out there who have lost a child, I know how you feel.  Reach out to someone you trust even if it's just to vent.  You are loved and your child is safely in the arms of Jesus, we have to hold on to that to make it through.