The Falling Effect

  I can honestly say that today was a good day.  Saying that kind of makes me feel guilty.  I think I started believing that if I'm happy, that means that I've forgotten Avery.  That's completely false and one of the traps satan uses to keep you in a deep sadness.  God spoke to me a lot today.  He answered a lot of questions that I had, the biggest one was "how am I supposed to feel?"

  There are 2 types of grieving.  One takes you down the road of depression, and the other takes you down the road of hope.  I was starting to go down the first one.  I've dealt with depression most of my life, I know all the signs in myself when it's coming.  I've learned to hate those feelings instead of them being my comfort like they used to be.  Last night my husband and I got into our first argument after this happened and I say said some very hurtful things.  Hurt people hurt people.  I realized last night that I was going down depression road.  I asked God to put me on the right path because I didn't want to go there.

  Honestly all I could say to God was, "how am I supposed to feel?  In this situation, how do I deal with this in a way that honors You?"  He told me that it's okay to be sad.  It's okay to cry.  It's okay to even be angry about why this happened.  He then told me, "but you can't stop, you have to keep going."  I have two boys and a husband that need me, just because something so tragic happens doesn't mean that life gives you a time out.  God told me that I can deal with this through Him.  He will give me the strength on days that I have none, He will give me the peace and comfort that my heart so desperately needs, He will be there every step I take even if that means He needs to carry me.

  I have a terrible time living in the here and now.  I'm more of a future planning person and always thinking ahead.  Losing Avery brought me to the here and now.  I'm learning to take life minute by minute because you really don't know what's going to happen.  I would've never thought I'd ever lose a child.  God is showing me to cherish each and every moment.  Our kids grow up in the blink of an eye, and I'm going to miss it if I'm so busy planning ahead.  Death has a funny way of changing people.  I am fully trusting God to see us through this.  He had me carry Avery for a short time for a reason.  I may never know that reason but now I have an angel's imprint on my heart and I'm forever changed because of it.

  A very dear friend of mine told me today that it will come in waves.  So I will grab hold of the good waves and cherish them and I will cling tight to God through the bad ones and trust that He's doing good things for us.  It has only been 6 days since we lost Avery, but God is already showing His loving hand to us through this.  I could never thank everyone enough for their outpouring of love and prayers for us.  I could never thank God enough for making good come from a bad situation.  The biggest thing that I learned today is that no matter if I'm feeling sad or happy, that won't ever take away my memories of Avery.  I know that Avery is in the loving arms of God and having so much fun, I don't think Avery would want us to be sad.  Today I will start to celebrate you Avery.  You lived a life full of love and comfort down here, and now you live in even a greater magnitude of love and comfort with our Heavenly Father!