Never the Same

  Wednesday, October 25, I had my 12 week checkup at the doctor.  I was feeling so anxious to hear my little one's heartbeat.  The week before I had a dream that I miscarried, and I didn't feel well the day before.  The doctor's office was packed and they were so behind.  They just merged with another medical company so they had to change their whole system.  They finally called me back and they asked me all the normal 12 week questions, about family genetics and what not.  She checked my blood pressure and it was a little high so she asked me if I was nervous, I said yes I was but I wasn't sure why. 

  After that I had to wait some more.  The doctor finally came in and was joking about how many kids I wanted or if I wanted my tubes tied this time.  We scheduled the c-section for 39 weeks.  Then he said alright let's see if we can find a heartbeat.  I told him that I hate this stage in pregnancy because you can't quite feel anything so you're not sure if everything is alright.  He was listening for awhile and moving anywhere he could and couldn't find anything.  Then he said you know your uterus is backwards and it's tilted back.  I said I know you pointed that out with Ethan.  He said ok the baby is in the back so that's probably why we aren't hearing anything.  So we went back to the ultrasound room.

  Something felt different this time.  He typed in my name and got started.  As soon as the picture came up I knew something was wrong.  The screen was just darker than it was at my 8 week appointment.  He found the baby and moved the thing around on my belly getting different angles.  I was just watching the baby for any type of movement at all.  I was trying to find the heart.  Then I would look at him and his expression.  After about 20 minutes he started measuring the baby.  The head was measuring 12 weeks and the body 11 weeks.  So I thought ok,well it must be ok because the baby was growing.  Then he took a deep breath and said well I don't hear or see a heartbeat.  The tears started flowing because in my heart I think I already knew. 

  He sat down and started talking and telling me it's not my fault that I didn't do anything wrong.  I was all by myself and Mike was home with the boys.  It felt like a dream, it couldn't be true.  He told me many times I'm one of his healthiest patients, how could my body fail me like that?  The next day I had to have a procedure to remove my precious baby.  God was with me all day Thursday.  Honestly I just felt helpless.  I couldn't stop anything, I couldn't bring my baby back.  On the way home from the hospital Mike brought up the name Avery.  I absolutely loved it, so that's our angel's name, Avery.

  I haven't had to deal with a death close to me in a long time.  Dealing with your own child's death is unimaginable.  I can't put into words what this pain is.  People can tell me that I'll get over "it" in time, but I'll never get over my baby Avery.  That is my baby that I carried for 12 weeks.  Avery is a part of our family and always will be.  Avery is a part of us.  At one point in the past few days, I honestly felt like I was going overboard on grieving for my child just because of how people treat and view miscarriage.

  Grieving has taught me that this is not something I can avoid, it's not something I can make go away, and I can't bring back my baby.  This is something I have to face and go through day by day.  I have really good moments, and I have moments I can't stop crying.  I look down and my baby isn't there anymore.  I talked to Avery all the time and I sang and rocked Avery in our rocking chair.  When you lose a baby during pregnancy, you feel empty at times.

  I know that our sweet angel is with God, and if I can't have Avery, I'm glad that God does.  Do I wish I could have Avery with me?  Of course I do, I miss Avery so very much, but God has other plans.  Even if I don't agree with His plans, I have to trust that He knows what's best for me.  On the day of my surgery Thursday, God already had Avery, but He came down and He stayed with me anyway because He knew I needed Him more than anything.  His presence was so strong, and that showed me just how much He loved me.  He knows better than anyone what it's like to lose a child.  Now I know just a tiny bit of what He felt when Jesus went to the cross.

  Avery is very much a part of our family now, and I won't ever stop missing my baby.  I know as time goes on that the pain will lessen a little, but I'll never forget my sweet Avery.  Miscarriage has changed my whole perspective on life and what is truly important.  When your child dies, it changes  you.  I don't know what God's plans are, but day by day I will ask for His guidance because I can't do life without Him.  He is my strength and hope.  Every night I ask Him to give Avery hugs and kisses for me, I can't wait until I meet my angel and I can deliver them myself.  Mommy and Daddy love you so much Avery, we can't wait to meet you one day!