Perfect Me, Perfect You

  I can honestly say that today was a good day.  Saying that kind of makes me feel guilty.  I think I started believing that if I'm happy, that means that I've forgotten Avery.  That's completely false and one of the traps satan uses to keep you in a deep sadness.  God spoke to me a lot today.  He answered a lot of questions that I had, the biggest one was "how am I supposed to feel?"   There are 2 types of grieving.  One takes you down the road of depression, and the other takes you down the road of hope.  I was starting to go down the first one.  I've dealt with depression most of my life, I know all the signs in myself when it's coming.  I've learned to hate those feelings instead of them being my comfort like they used to be.  Last night my husband and I got into our first argument after this happened and I say said some very hurtful things.  Hurt people hurt people.  I realized last night that I was going d...

  Wednesday, October 25, I had my 12 week checkup at the doctor.  I was feeling so anxious to hear my little one's heartbeat.  The week before I had a dream that I miscarried, and I didn't feel well the day before.  The doctor's office was packed and they were so behind.  They just merged with another medical company so they had to change their whole system.  They finally called me back and they asked me all the normal 12 week questions, about family genetics and what not.  She checked my blood pressure and it was a little high so she asked me if I was nervous, I said yes I was but I wasn't sure why.    After that I had to wait some more.  The doctor finally came in and was joking about how many kids I wanted or if I wanted my tubes tied this time.  We scheduled the c-section for 39 weeks.  Then he said alright let's see if we can find a heartbeat.  I told him that I hate this stage in pregnancy because you can't quit...

   So there has been an ongoing dispute probably for years as to why Christians should NOT celebrate Halloween.  I recently got into a dispute about it on facebook, which I should not have.  We do carve pumpkins and go trick-or-treating.  I also know people who do not because of their convictions about it, and that's ok too.   Today I was reading Romans 14, holy cow, there's a lot to unpack.  The gist of it is, let convictions be convictions.  Everyone has a conviction about something.  Everyone's convictions are usually different but they do agree amongst some people.  Anyway there was a lady commenting on how Halloween is satan's holiday and no Christian should celebrate satan.  I disagreed.  I think it is what you make it.  It's all about your heart.  When I take my kids out, I am not thinking about satan at all.  I'm thinking, "oh my gosh! Look at all the kids and how cute they are!!"  I asked my old...

  So I have not written in a very long time.  I've missed it so much and it has been much needed in my life lately.  Just a recap, we bought our very first house in September!!  Very very exciting and we absolutely love it here.  We're never moving again unless God calls us elsewhere lol.  We are also expecting our 3rd child.  I will be 3 months along in 2 days.  Lots of craziness happening, mostly in my mind lol.   I've been struggling a lot lately, it seems like so many things honestly.  Am I ready for another baby?!  I'm not sure anyone is really ready for babies, it's just something that happens and you adapt.  I'm on medication right now that ensure I don't miscarry, man this stuff makes me so tired to the point that I could pass out.  I hate it.  I don't have time to sleep, mostly because I don't trust my crazy 3 year old if that were to happen lol.  Thankfully they will start weaning me off of it when...