Perfect Me, Perfect You

  I know it's been awhile since I wrote, trying to deal with so much.  Still dealing with Avery's death.  So many people I know are pregnant right now and it's really hard on me.  May 10 I'd be holding my precious baby girl.  Right now I'm just thinking why God?  You know I wanted a little girl more than anything in the world.  Ever since I was a little girl myself, I dreamed of the relationship I would have with my little girl.  I know it sounds weird, but my Mom and I don't have a relationship unfortunately.  I always needed that mother-daughter relationship.  It's what I've dreamed of.   Now my chance is gone.  Avery was our last chance for a baby.  My husband doesn't want anymore and honestly I think if I would get pregnant again I would freak out at every little thing thinking I'd lose him/her.  Yesterday was a bad day.  My mind was wandering through cut scenes of tea parties, frilly dresses, baking...

  I had a complete revelation today.  God has really been opening my eyes to a lot of truth.  I've been asking for it, so I'm thankful for all this knowledge.  Have you noticed in society today the lack of maturity?  I mean seriously, you have adults acting like children.  The world has coddled us so much that we don't even know how to deal with problems anymore.   I was just thinking about why I can't stand myself at times.  I started thinking about maybe it's guilt over things.  Suddenly my mind started going back months, then 5 years and 10 years.  Yeah I have guilt because I still haven't forgiven myself for things having to do with exes and parents and friends.  You know why?  I never dealt with the issues.  I have so much unforgiveness towards myself that it has turned into worthlessness and hate within myself.  Society doesn't tell you to face your problems.  Society tells you to drink and do dr...

  I really believe God is taking me on a journey to love myself.  I'm here and willing and waiting for His plan to unfold in my life, but I still need some fine tuning.  If we're honest, we are always going to need fine tuning, up until He calls us home.  Anyway, I know I said before that God was convicting me about makeup and I have worn it once since then.  My church had a big event and I was scared to not wear it lol.  Honestly, I get anxious when I'm around people without makeup.  That's a big red flag right there and I understand why God told me not to wear it.   No woman should ever feel like she has to wear makeup all the time to be beautiful.  I struggled before going to church though.  I'm struggling with acne right now and I feel I look hideous.  I can't look in the mirror without saying something hurtful or negative.  You need to fix this and do that and you really need to just stop eating, etc.  It's...

  Today I was talking to a good friend and I told him that I feel like I had been traveling on my own road and asking God to intervene when times got tough.  I wanted to do things my way, but I believed in God enough to be a Christian. I didn't always live like it though.  I was honestly so stuck.  I was stuck in my laziness, I was stuck in bad habits, I was stuck in doing just enough to say that I was a good person.  I hated it.  I hated who I was.  I hated that I knew without a doubt that I was going nowhere.  In that place I was at, I couldn't do what God wanted me to do and couldn't be what He wanted me to be.   Then Avery happened, and Avery was taken away.  It was like I was walking down my road as usual and suddenly a bomb dropped right in front of me.  Throwing me back with the impact of the explosion.  For awhile I was scared and didn't know what was happening or where I was going.  Scared isn't even th...

  For awhile now I didn't realize it, but God has been tugging at my heart about my appearance.  You go on facebook and you see all these makeup tutorials.  The girl at the beginning doesn't look like the girl at the end.  Why are we so adamant about looking like someone else?  I've said this before that convictions are different for everyone and this is just one that God is putting before me.   I have become so dependent on makeup.  I need makeup to be beautiful.  Without it I'm absolutely hideous.  Like the hunchback of notre dame, I get you buddy!  I feel like God is peeling layers away with me.  He has done so much work on the inside and He continues to, but He's beginning on the outside.  What came to my mind was that my New Year's resolution is going to be no makeup next year at all.  I don't want to be a girl that when you remove the makeup that I don't look anything like I do with it.  I don't want ...

  The other day on Facebook I saw a post and it said something like, "Avoid post your problems on facebook, your problems need personal attention not social media attention..." something to that effect.  I was thinking about this and obviously it is all about perspective.  I post a lot on facebook, not because I'm seeking attention, but because I want to share my story.  I have posted a lot about my miscarriage and my appointments because I want to help others going through the same thing.  Not everyone is okay with letting the world know what they're going through, I am.   I think that God made me an open and honest person for a reason.  I love sharing with people and hopefully encouraging and helping them through what I'm going through.  Throughout high school and my young adult life, I did become an attention seeker and went after the wrong things and people.  I didn't know how to be loved and accept it, so when I was bored I we...