The Struggle
Oh man, what a day. This is not one of my best days. I woke up in a bad mood, haven't been sleeping well lately. It just escalated from there. Ethan was throwing tantrums a good part of the day, along with not wanting to nap. When he did nap and woke up, holy cow, he could've used another one. When your day starts out bad, it just doesn't go well. I tried connecting with God today but there was too much negativity in my brain to even go there, so that made everything worse.
I'm a gamer, Mike actually got me into playing games when we first met. I started out pc, then we moved to Xbox. Playing games definitely relieves stress and I forget about everything. It gets bad sometimes though, I get addicted because I get stressed so bad and I just don't want to deal with anything. Lately I've been feeling like I really should give up gaming to follow God. This is a battle for me. I don't want to because it's my coping mechanism, at the same time, it also keeps me from God a lot of days. My priorities are messed up and I put games before God.
Today I struggled so bad. I haven't played Xbox in 2 days and I've wanted to but I figured I could use that time playing, and spend time with God instead. So my solution has been not to do either and just drown in my thoughts. I've been playing Elder Scrolls Online, and that's all I've been thinking about today. I'm so torn inside.
Following God is not for the faint of heart. There's sacrifice, turning away from things you used to do and focusing on God instead. Surrendering yourself and your desires and wants, giving up control over your life. Control is the hardest thing for me to give up. Growing up I couldn't control anything that happened to me, all the bad things just happened. As I became an adult and finally had some control over my life, I thought that I could handle it and take care of myself. Boy was I ever wrong. I made bad decision after bad decision.
Aside from all that, learning who God is and what He thinks of me erases all that. I have had times that I was so full of joy and peace, it was a spiritual high and also amazing. A lot of times when I'm playing my game, I think about that. Do I want peace for the rest of my life or do I want temporary satisfaction? Everything good that God has given me, especially joy and peace, I let satan take it from me. I put my mind on things of this world and that leaves the door wide open for satan to steal, kill, and destroy. I have no peace or joy right now at all. I'm confused and miserable. That's definitely not from God.
I'm an all or nothing person. It's hard for me to be in between. In my mind I can't have games and God together. Now that is NOT true for everybody. I know a pastor who is a big gamer and He loves the Lord and yeah he's a pastor. He's got his priorities straight and he can do both. I honestly can't. I have to put my all and everything into one thing. As a woman, I'm not very good at multi-tasking...yep that's right, I'm not good at it. I'm a one thing at a time kind of woman. When I put my all into something, especially God, He uses me in amazing ways. I can be a blessing to others when I put God first, that gives me joy. For instance, I wrote this poem last week, you can always tell when God is first in my life because I can write. He has given me the gift of writing and I want to use it to help others. So here it is, it's called My Journey:
These chains are so incredibly dense,
The dark around me doesn't make sense.
With tears in my eyes, I'm crying to You,
I'm on my knees praying You come through.
I feel Your hand slip into mine,
"Daughter, you're going to be just fine."
You break these chains off of me,
And touch my eyes so that I can see.
You pick me up and carry me through,
This thick darkness that doesn't move.
We come to the end and I see the light,
I spread my wings and try to take flight.
You hold me back and tell me no,
"First and foremost, you need to grow."
"The road is rough and you'll need to walk,
But every step I'll be here to talk.
Life won't be easy and you're going to fall,
But at the end, there's a beautiful ball.
My princess, we'll dance forevermore,
And you'll understand then, what this road was for."
I know what I need to do to be full of joy and peace, and I need to just do it. It's just like becoming a parent, you have to sacrifice and put things aside that you might've done before. You have a family to take care of now. This is my journey, I'm not saying that everyone has to do what I do, it's different for everybody. If I want God's full blessings and watch His hand work in my life, I need to surrender everything, including gaming. Maybe down the road I'll be able to come back, maybe I'll be too busy writing or something else awesome and I won't. Only God knows. He knows my heart and He knows how bad I want the things that He wants for me. All I can say is thank you Lord for loving me even when I don't deserve it. Have a goodnight everyone.
I'm a gamer, Mike actually got me into playing games when we first met. I started out pc, then we moved to Xbox. Playing games definitely relieves stress and I forget about everything. It gets bad sometimes though, I get addicted because I get stressed so bad and I just don't want to deal with anything. Lately I've been feeling like I really should give up gaming to follow God. This is a battle for me. I don't want to because it's my coping mechanism, at the same time, it also keeps me from God a lot of days. My priorities are messed up and I put games before God.
Today I struggled so bad. I haven't played Xbox in 2 days and I've wanted to but I figured I could use that time playing, and spend time with God instead. So my solution has been not to do either and just drown in my thoughts. I've been playing Elder Scrolls Online, and that's all I've been thinking about today. I'm so torn inside.
Following God is not for the faint of heart. There's sacrifice, turning away from things you used to do and focusing on God instead. Surrendering yourself and your desires and wants, giving up control over your life. Control is the hardest thing for me to give up. Growing up I couldn't control anything that happened to me, all the bad things just happened. As I became an adult and finally had some control over my life, I thought that I could handle it and take care of myself. Boy was I ever wrong. I made bad decision after bad decision.
Aside from all that, learning who God is and what He thinks of me erases all that. I have had times that I was so full of joy and peace, it was a spiritual high and also amazing. A lot of times when I'm playing my game, I think about that. Do I want peace for the rest of my life or do I want temporary satisfaction? Everything good that God has given me, especially joy and peace, I let satan take it from me. I put my mind on things of this world and that leaves the door wide open for satan to steal, kill, and destroy. I have no peace or joy right now at all. I'm confused and miserable. That's definitely not from God.
I'm an all or nothing person. It's hard for me to be in between. In my mind I can't have games and God together. Now that is NOT true for everybody. I know a pastor who is a big gamer and He loves the Lord and yeah he's a pastor. He's got his priorities straight and he can do both. I honestly can't. I have to put my all and everything into one thing. As a woman, I'm not very good at multi-tasking...yep that's right, I'm not good at it. I'm a one thing at a time kind of woman. When I put my all into something, especially God, He uses me in amazing ways. I can be a blessing to others when I put God first, that gives me joy. For instance, I wrote this poem last week, you can always tell when God is first in my life because I can write. He has given me the gift of writing and I want to use it to help others. So here it is, it's called My Journey:
These chains are so incredibly dense,
The dark around me doesn't make sense.
With tears in my eyes, I'm crying to You,
I'm on my knees praying You come through.
I feel Your hand slip into mine,
"Daughter, you're going to be just fine."
You break these chains off of me,
And touch my eyes so that I can see.
You pick me up and carry me through,
This thick darkness that doesn't move.
We come to the end and I see the light,
I spread my wings and try to take flight.
You hold me back and tell me no,
"First and foremost, you need to grow."
"The road is rough and you'll need to walk,
But every step I'll be here to talk.
Life won't be easy and you're going to fall,
But at the end, there's a beautiful ball.
My princess, we'll dance forevermore,
And you'll understand then, what this road was for."
I know what I need to do to be full of joy and peace, and I need to just do it. It's just like becoming a parent, you have to sacrifice and put things aside that you might've done before. You have a family to take care of now. This is my journey, I'm not saying that everyone has to do what I do, it's different for everybody. If I want God's full blessings and watch His hand work in my life, I need to surrender everything, including gaming. Maybe down the road I'll be able to come back, maybe I'll be too busy writing or something else awesome and I won't. Only God knows. He knows my heart and He knows how bad I want the things that He wants for me. All I can say is thank you Lord for loving me even when I don't deserve it. Have a goodnight everyone.
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