Contentment

  I woke up this morning pretty sad and angry.  As soon as you feel like you're in a good place, it comes back and hits you.  Everyone I know who has lost someone and grieved, I get it now.  It's an emotional roller coaster.  Everyone grieves loss differently because we are all different.  I didn't think I would get to this anger stage at all.  I have no reason to be mad at God.  I think when we're weak and our walls start crumbling, satan grabs that opportunity to feed you 100 lies all at once.  You're full of confusion and emotions that you don't even want to feel.

  I think the biggest things satan points out especially with the loss of a child, he points out everyone who is having a baby.  You start feeling angry and you start judging them and if they are good parents or if they deserve a baby.  That sounds cruel doesn't it?  He starts pointing out the parents who complain about their kids, then your point of view about them changes in an instant.  You start yelling at God, "why do they get a baby?!  What did I do so wrong to lose mine?  Am I not good enough??"  Satan is so cruel.  I'm starting to learn that even while I'm grieving, I have to be so careful to not believe my emotions at times.  I have to go to the Bible and believe what God says is true.

  I am very blessed that God brought a woman into my life who I actually knew growing up but didn't really know at that time.  This woman is my twin except she's older than me and has gone through so many things.  She has all this experience under her belt and she teaches me so much.  Our personalities are so similar it's funny and cool.  I can go to her about anything and she says, "I know my mini me because I felt the same way."  It's kind of like getting advice from a future me that has already been through everything, I'm so thankful for her and love her so much!

  Today I went to her and I told her that I was angry.  She asked why.  I said, " I know other women who are pregnant right now and why do they get to keep their babies but mine gets taken away?"  First of all, this woman is amazing in the fact that she won't speak anything but truth.  She has to put me in my place at times, and today is one of those days.  She told me that my focus is all wrong.  I'm focusing on everyone else except God's plan for me.  We don't always know why things happen, but God has His reasons and plans.  Honestly, I know for a fact that God spared my life.  Had I not gone in that day for my 12 week appointment, I would've died that weekend.  He told me I would've been at home miscarrying this baby and tumor on my own and I would've hemorrhaged at home.  God set that specific time up that specific day because He didn't want me to die, it wasn't my time yet.  What about Avery?  What if Avery was very sick?  Would I have been strong enough to make decisions no parent should have to make?  I really don't think I could have.  I think that God loves us so much that He steps in and makes decisions for us because He knows we just couldn't make them ourselves.

  So today was a lesson on contentment and where my focus should really be.  I do have two really healthy boys already.  I am so blessed with them.  They make me laugh and smile everyday.  I have a husband who would go to the ends of the earth for me.  He has been my strength through this.  Sometimes it's hard to know what to say to someone who is hurting so bad, but he always knows what to say to me to comfort me.  This is a test of my faith and a test if I really do believe God has good plans for me.  I know for myself, I get so lost in my emotions that I start losing focus on the truth.  God has promised us that He has good plans for our lives.  He HAS promised us that.  God never fails to follow through on His promises.  If I'm going to get through this, I have got to believe that.

  I'm a fixer by nature, I want to fix everything that's wrong.  I can't fix this.  I can't slap a bandaid on and be okay.  I absolutely need God every minute of every day to get through this.  I have to live in the moment, if I think about the future I get overwhelmed.  Step by step and day by day.  I think I need to start writing a list of things I'm thankful for on a daily basis.  I have to do something to remind myself of my blessings.  I gotta keep my eyes on God.  Honestly just thinking about God sparing my life yet again, that makes me so grateful and thankful.  My boys have their mom still and my husband is a lucky man lol.  God isn't done with me yet, that keeps me going.  Thank You Lord for covering me with Your love and comfort through this.  Thank You for surrounding me with so many people that love me, especially my church family.  You know exactly who we need at the right time.  For that I'm very thankful.  Thank You for sparing both me and Avery.  Avery will know nothing but love, joy, peace, and sunshine.  Avery never had to know evil and cruelty, for that I am thankful.  All I ask tonight, give Avery a big hug and kiss for me, and cover us in Your love and comfort as we go to bed.  As soon as I wake up in the morning, remind my heart of Your love and promises.