Whatever It Takes

  Today has been a blah kind of day.  Tyler came home sick yesterday and I'm starting to feel it and I can tell by Ethan's eyes that he's feeling it too.  You know when you're sick and weak, satan loves attacking you.  I was so bad about believing his lies today.  I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I had a tumor with my baby.  So of course I've been dwelling on that and worrying even though my chances of it coming back are super slim.

  While I was working tonight, I was talking to God and telling him that I'm scared about what happens from here.  I'm scared about the tumor coming back and having to do chemo, I'm scared about the "what ifs".  At the same time, I was telling Him, whatever it takes.  Do with me whatever needs to be done to further your kingdom.  I am all yours, everything in my life, it's Yours.  Take it and do whatever you want to do.  There is freedom in telling God "do whatever it takes".  Going through all of this has taught me that you can't stop a lot of things from happening.  Scary things are going to happen, sad things are going to happen, the thing is, what is it that you run to?

  I would not be able to deal with any of this without God.  I have never been so close to God in my life than I am right now.  I have been needing something in my life, something that was going to completely transform me, I was so stuck and couldn't move.  God didn't cause me to lose my baby, God does not make bad things happen.  What He did do was draw close to me and open my eyes to see the world through His.  He is using this to build my faith and to show me how much He loves and cares for me.  He showed me how He ultimately protected me and Avery.

  Yesterday I had my post op appointment and it turns out that I had a partial molar pregnancy.  Avery was in there and alive at one point, but a tumor started growing and ultimately killed everything.  Had I not gone in that day and had he not found no heartbeat, I honestly wouldn't be here.  He said that my body would've tried to pass the baby on it's own last weekend, but because of the tumor, I would've hemorrhaged at home and probably would have died.  Now don't tell me that God wasn't protecting me the entire time.  I'm doing okay and He has Avery safely in His arms.

  After all this, why not surrender everything to God?  If He can pull me through all this, why not.  People believe that God causes bad things to happen or He doesn't prevent bad things from happening, but He knows the future.  We can't understand half of what God does, but we have to trust Him.  He sees everything laid out, we don't.  He's trying to protect us and I honestly wholeheartedly believe that now.  My husband and my boys need me and He saved my life again.  He has wonderful plans for me and I will hold onto that everyday.  My hope is in You alone Lord!  Your will be done.