There Will Be Trouble

  I really don't want to talk about yesterday, but I want to be completely honest about my journey and the things I go through and deal with. The only way I could accurately describe it was my transformation into the Incredible Hulk.  It was that bad just without the destruction of things and people lol.  I woke up with such an anger.  I have never been that angry before.  Poor Mike had to deal with me.  I told him not to talk to me but he insisted so I was very cruel and ignorant.  I took it out on him.  I didn't think I would be angry at God through this process but I was wrong.  I was angry with Him and everyone else.  I wanted to throw things and punch things, but I settled for cleaning my grandma's house with my 3 year old.  Biggest mistake ever and it will not happen again lol.  Never bring a toddler to clean someone's house.  He doesn't know you're not supposed to walk on wet floors or the rule about taking toys into another room so you don't make a bigger mess.  It was mayhem.  On top of hitting my head on the organ and the vacuum didn't want to work and breaking my nails on stuff.  Yesterday is why people named them bad days.

  We sat down to lunch and I was talking to my Grandma, I told her I hate feeling like this and she said me too.  I asked her, "why does it seem like Christians always get the short end of the stick?"  She said, "because we do.  This world is not our home."  She basically said we are the "weird kids" of the world.  Which is absolutely true.  God specifically told us that we will have troubles in this world.  I shouldn't be surprised at all because He straight out told me in His Word what will happen.  But He also says to have joy and hope because He also overcame the world.  We are aliens here on earth.  We are just passing through.  Our rewards aren't here, they're in Heaven.  Expect loss, and being bullied here, expect pain and sorrows, expect bad things to happen because they will.  But you can also expect God to make good come from the bad, expect God to follow through on His promises, expect God to bless you abundantly for your obedience, expect God to be God!

  Grieving is such a roller coaster.  I feel bipolar to be completely honest.  I told Mike last night when we were talking, I hate feeling this pain.  I hate that this changed me.  I don't smile like I used to because I don't have joy in my heart, I have sadness.  I'm a fixer and I can't make this better.  If I keep thinking those thoughts though, satan will creep in like he did yesterday and cause chaos.  I have to keep my mind on God and Heaven.  He will make things right and He will restore us and bring joy back to our hearts.  He promises us that, He will follow through.  I know I'm not going through this for nothing.  It's never just nothing with God.  He's always up to something.  He knows my heart and He knows I want to serve Him more than anything.  So God, my request today is that You use me for Your glory.  Use me in ways I never thought possible.  You know I love being a help to people, take advantage of that with me.  I'm willing and waiting.  Thank You Lord for being a good good Father.  Thank You for creating beauty from ashes.  I'm here and waiting for You to direct my steps today...