Transparent

  The first picture is a box we both decided on that would give us something to remember about Avery.  It was a very tough day making this, especially seeing the ultrasound pictures.  I remember that day laying there and hearing a perfectly healthy heartbeat wondering if the myths were true and the heartbeat decided gender.  We were praying for our girl, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that God promised me a girl.  Whether He meant with this pregnancy or in the future, I really am not sure.  This day I was so incredibly happy and the pregnancy felt so real to me.  In the second picture, this was taken the day I didn't hear Avery's heart anymore.  It's the only picture I ever took of Avery and I.

  This pregnancy was planned but unexpected.  We decided we wanted to start trying for a baby so we did for three months.  Our house came unexpectedly at the same time.  We did not realize that we were going to be buying a house this year.  God paved the way completely to our new home.  It's a two bedroom and one and a half bath, basement, garage, attic, sunroom, closed in back porch, it is perfect for us.  Suddenly I started panicking, what if we do have a baby!  Our house is only two bedroom!  During the process and waiting to close, we decided we were going to wait on a baby and get settled into our home first and see how we could expand and make room for another baby.

  Little did we know that we were a week too late.  I was already a week pregnant when we decided to stop trying.  So as I said, planned but a surprise lol.  If I'm honest, I was excited but upset.  I had talked myself out of another baby and I didn't feel ready for this.  I was upset because I had to stop painting our house and leave everything up to Mike.  I was upset because I had lost 30lbs and I didn't want to gain it back.  I was upset because I might have had to turn our beautiful sunroom into a bedroom for the baby, especially if it was a girl.  I was upset because Ethan would need to be out of diapers because I'm not buying diapers for a baby and a toddler.  I was upset because breastfeeding throws me into postpartum depression so we would need to buy expensive formula again.  Honestly, I was upset about being pregnant.

  This pregnancy threw me into a depressive state and I just complained about everything.  I changed my outfit 10 times a day because I looked fat.  I was in a bad mood most of the time.  I didn't want my kids around me because I didn't want them to see how selfish I was being.  I didn't want Mike to look at me at all.  I felt like an acne covered whale.  I've never had acne like I did with this baby.  I hated going out at all.  I hated when people would tell me that it's ok, the baby is growing, you ARE pregnant. 

  Finally I started coming around to this pregnancy.  The ladies at my church were so excited and claiming a girl in Jesus name for us.  I started feeling excited too.  I started talking to Avery and telling them about Ethan and Tyler and how silly they are.  I started rocking in our new rocking chair that we had gotten from a dear friend.  I started singing more because I wanted Avery to know mommy's voice and hopefully get into music like Ethan and I.  When I read to Tyler or Ethan, I made sure to read loud enough in hopes that Avery would hear.  I started praying daily that God would give me strength as a mom to handle 3 kids.  I started planning on where Avery would start sleeping.  We started making plans on expanding the house so everyone could sleep in their rooms comfortably.  I started planning my life around you Avery.

  Looking back now, I don't know how I didn't see the signs.  I just didn't feel right with this pregnancy.  I was freezing to death all the time, I had a sick feeling all the time, the depression and anxiety.  It just didn't feel right.  Everyone kept telling me that all pregnancies are different.  They would say, "Oh you're okay don't worry about it!  I felt like that when I was pregnant with my girl."  So I'd get excited again about it.  In the back of my mind, I knew that something was really wrong.  The week before my last appointment, I had a dream that I miscarried.  It was devastating.  I kept thinking that I've had two healthy boys, there's no way I would ever miscarry.  I had so many nightmares with this pregnancy.  Looking back I think it was a sign. 

  More honesty, I wish I had my baby back.  I wish I hadn't worried so much about my weight and what I looked like.  I would change anything to feel little feet kicking my ribs.  I would give anything to hear Avery's heartbeat one more time.  I would give anything to rock my baby in our chair.  I would give anything to have that c-section again and to hold my baby.  I would give anything to wake up at 2am and feed my baby and sing Avery to sleep.  I would give anything for Tyler and Ethan to meet their little brother or sister.  I would give anything to see movement on that ultrasound one more time...

  My sweet angel, God had different plans for you.  I'm so humbled that He chose me to hold you for such a little time.  I just wish that I hadn't been so selfish.  I know that you are having the time of your life right now and I'm so thankful for that.  I hope that you love me as much as I love you.  Honestly I'm nervous to meet you up there.  I'm not the greatest mommy all the time, but I know how to love, and I would've shown you everyday how much I love you.  For now I will settle for prayers and mailing you kisses and hugs from down here.  I know that you are in the best hands you could ever be in.  I wouldn't trust anyone else with your life.  Thank You Lord for taking care of our angel.  Thanking You for giving me 12 weeks to hold my baby.  Thank You for all the good you are bringing to us and all the blessings You are pouring over us.  I love you so much Lord and give Avery extra hugs and kisses for me tonight, I love you to heaven and back Avery.