Perfect Me, Perfect You

  The last few days I was feeling like something great was going to happen.  I was right.  I had a radical breakthrough last night.  Yesterday by the afternoon I was feeling so frustrated.  You know when something is so close you can taste it, but it's still out of reach?  That's what was happening.    So I go to church last night.  I love my woman's group.  God knew how much I needed these ladies.  I'm so thankful that He brought them to me.  Last night we talked about how God chose to love us forever.  Lately everything I've been reading and hearing has been leading me to the fact that our sins are of little importance to our present and future.  We are safe in the shadow of the cross.  All sins need to be punished.  When Jesus was on the cross, he took the punishment for what we've done, have done, and will do.  Again, we are safe in the shadow of the cross.  When we do something wrong,...

  It's been a good, struggle filled few days.  I swear the devil invented facebook.  It seems like most times whenever I go on it just depresses me.  You see everyone doing things and enjoying their lives, here I am at home most days doing nothing.  I might be feeling a little depressed today.  Haven't been feeling too well either.    The great news is Mike and I have been doing workouts together which is fun and we spend time together laughing a lot, particularly at each other lol.  I've realized so much about my marriage.  I've missed him so incredibly much since he's been on third shift.  I hate going to bed without him.  He sleeps an awful lot so we don't really spend time together.  Third shift needs to be banned.  We were not created to sleep during the day and work at night.  He could sleep for 24 hours straight and it still wouldn't be enough.  I feel for all of you third shift wives. ...

    Yesterday in Sunday school we continued our lesson on Living the Extraordinary life.  In Matthew 5:43-48 it talks about be perfect as our Heavenly Father is perfect.  Of course in most humans minds, we think perfection is flawless.  That's what we've been taught, shown, or told.  I remember growing up, my mom was really picky about cleaning.  If it wasn't done right or thoroughly enough, you had to do it as many times as it took to get it "perfect".  I carried on that trait in many things I do.  I've been a bit OCD about it honestly.   When you start having kids, it's tougher to be "perfect".  When you clean it only stays that way for a few minutes.  I would get so aggravated after I had Tyler.  Everything had to be put back in it's place and stay there.  With kids that doesn't happen very often.  My boys have taught me that cleaning and having things look "perfect" just isn't the way to live. ...

  Today was a much better day.  Tears are so healing.  Every once in awhile you just have to cry, no matter the reason.  Today was a day of progress.  Normally when something happens, it would take 2-3 days to get over it.  I would think and think and think about it and make myself sick being so upset.  By the end of the night last night after I had talked things through with God, I felt so much peace going to bed.  I know that all things work together for good to those who love God.  No matter what has happened or will happen, I know that God will take care of it.   The older I'm getting, the more I'm realizing how hard it is to be a parent.  You have to do hard things, you have to do things you don't want to, things you never thought you'd have to do.  But you do it because it will benefit your children in the long run.  Sometimes you do things by accident or mistake.  You do things out of anger.  Yo...

    This morning on facebook I read an article about the possibility of pot being legalized in Illinois.  I'm so angry right now, I'm shaking as I write this.  I'm completely against drugs of any kind whatsoever.  I have heard good things medically about it and that's good I suppose.  I just don't like thinking about drugs or hearing about them, like I said it just makes me angry.   I was adopted when I was 2.  My birth mother was heavily into drugs.  She stopped long enough in the pregnancy for me to be ok, I found that out recently.  They pulled her back in though after she had me.  Nobody knows where she is, I will probably never get to meet her.  I do think about her more and more the older I get.  I have pictures of her and she was so beautiful.  When I was 6 and found out I was adopted, I went through filing cabinets when no one was home and found a card she had sent me.  She told me that she lov...

  Ethan and I went to Walmart this morning.  Tyler needed snacks for school and decided on getting him a new bedding set to go with his new bed.  As we were leaving, the door lady stopped us, she needed to verify the bedding set on the receipt.  Apparently Ethan didn't like her so he started screaming.  There was a man over by the claw machine and he was heading our way with this monkey in his hand.  He smiled and handed it to Ethan.  We didn't know each other, I'd never ever seen him before.  I don't know his situation and he doesn't know mine.  I walked into Walmart asking God to send someone my way to bless.  Instead, he sent someone my way to bless Ethan and to give me a message.   When we got home, I started cutting tags off this monkey pillow.  You never know what Ethan will try to eat, so I take precautions.  I was staring at this adorable monkey and I noticed that those aren't ears on his head.  Those a...

  So every other Sunday I sing on the worship team at church.  I love it so much, I love music and singing.  I've been told that I have a soft sweet voice of innocence lol.  I'm flattered and humbled by the comments I've gotten.  Sometimes when I'm up on stage I'm so nervous.  The whole team has encouraged me so much.  I think I have finally found my confidence.  I had one man ask me today if I was singing and I said yes, he said awesome!  Thank you Lord for giving me this voice and the ability to use it!   A few weeks ago, I was given a couple solo's in some songs.  I was super nervous and shaking.  God gave me the visual of Jesus standing next to me singing right along.  Ever since then my nerves have quieted down.  There's nothing more humbling than seeing Jesus praising God with you.  It's quite incredible actually.  Today when I was up there, I just let go.  I love picturing myself at the throne ...

  So far today has been pretty good.  Took Ethan to his playgroup with Jumpstart at a tumbling/gymnastics place.  It was really cool and he really enjoyed it.  He's my independent one, he'll look for me to make sure I'm around but he has no problem just going anywhere.  My 5 year old is a different story.  I went to get the mail this morning and he cried from when I left until about 15 minutes after I was home already.  Some days I wonder what I'm doing so wrong.  Mike asked him on the way to school this morning, "everything okay bud?"  "Yeah I just miss mommy..."    I think a lot of times with Moms that satan uses anything he can to make us feel bad or that we're wrong.  You know why?  Well because we have the single most important job in the world.  These kids will some day be the faces of our country.  This calling is super important.  Satan tells me that I must be doing something wrong, if he's that cl...

  I think that I over complicate things in my brain at times.  God has to remind me how simple are the things He's asking me to do.  "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  Philp. 4:13 I've had to say that a few times today, it's actually really good because this 12 week program is about renewing your mind.  Kicking out old bad thought patterns and replacing it with God focused positive thoughts.  "Miracles come in cans" meaning "I CAN do this!"  How simple yet powerful are those words.   Last night my brother reminded me just how powerful our brains are.  We don't realize the power that we contain in our heads.  I watched a movie awhile ago called Lucy, and by the end of the movie she had unlocked the max capacity of her brain power and she could do anything.  She could fly and move things with her mind.  Now I don't know if that's completely true, but I do know that we only use a small percentage of our b...

  Well today has been a struggle and a half, mostly because I'm trying to get over gaming by myself.  This week my power thought is "I can do all I need to do in life through Christ."  We are partners with God in life.  He can't do our part and we can't do His, but we have to realize that a lot of things we can't do in our own strength especially if we want to succeed.  So while we do our part, it's always good to ask God for strength to do it.   Sitting on the couch this morning, I was completely battling things out in my mind.  My thoughts, "what is so wrong with playing?  You aren't doing anything wrong...maybe not but when I'm thinking about it 24/7 and slacking in real life then it's a problem...just cut back, you're not going to be able to get through life without playing...seriously? you're going to say that to me?  That's not helping anything at all right now, you're making it worse!"  And on it goes.  The th...

  As my title states, it's good to be honest with yourself.  Last night I was honest with myself.  All of you know by now, that follow my blog, that I don't have a problem with being open and honest.  I've stated before my struggles with gaming (pc/xbox).  Well this is what's been plaguing me again.  So many times God has given me a way out and I got out but then I would come back.  I'd tell myself that I could play in moderation and I'm strong enough now.  Every single time, I start playing too much.  It's my coping mechanism for life which is fine but then it becomes my world and I don't want to get out of it.  I like it there because I can control everything in it.  So it's back to control and having it or not.   Last night I was laying in bed and wrote this poem (some have already read it on fb): New Beginning There's a feeling I cannot shake Is this all just a big mistake? I try to keep my eyes on You Keep praying t...

  Last night we started a new study at church.  Last night's session was called He Chose to Become One of Us.  If you think about it, Jesus chose to come down from endless power and endless time, no human body or anything we experience.  He came down and walked on this earth for 33 years completely human (also completely God) but He lived as we do.  He got tired, He had to eat and drink like us.  He felt pain and emotions.  He chose that over being God.  Why?  Because He loves us that much.  The only time He ever used supernatural powers was for others to show God's glory.  He never used it for selfish reasons or to make Himself comfortable while He was down here.  He most certainly could have, but He didn't.  Not only that, but He went through mockery, beatings, temptations, threats, losing loved ones, and ultimately being crucified because He loves us that much.   I was just telling my brother this morning, that's...

  "You have increased the nation, O Lord, You have increased the nation...You have enlarged all the borders of the land."  Isaiah 26:15   This was our devotion this morning.  When Isaiah said this, he was speaking in faith.  The nation hadn't increased yet and the borders hadn't been enlarged.  Faith is seeing what the eye as yet cannot see and already rejoicing in it.    Last night as I put Tyler to bed and we said our prayers, he kept saying he was scared.  I tell him every single night that there's nothing to be afraid of, God is here with us and protecting us while we sleep.  Tonight was different.  I felt God telling me to take a different approach, obviously what I was doing wasn't working.  I have been learning that to renew your mind, you have to repeat positive phrases over and over again until you start believing and remembering it.  So I told Tyler.  Hey, you're not scared.  He said mom I am!...

  I don't know if you've caught wind of it yet, but I'm a big Joyce Meyers fan.  I don't know what I'd do if I got to meet her in person.  I've been able to relate to her so much from her past.  She's open and honest about everything.  Her books and videos have changed my life.  All glory goes to God though and I know she'd say the same.  I would love to thank her for allowing God to use her to change lives.  I know how hard it is to surrender and let God do the work.  My dream is to one day follow in her footsteps and speak to the world.   As you know, I love writing.  I love passing on things that I learn.  I get super excited when God leads me to a breakthrough.  You can ask my brother Dave, he's always the first to know what God has shown me lol.  Love you big brother!  In those moments of revelation, the excitement I feel, it's probably on the same level as skydiving lol.  I just love when God re...

 Good morning!  I woke up this morning at 5:15am to spend some time with God before the kids woke up.  That was a complete fail.  Tyler immediately woke up followed by Ethan.  I have been feeling so guilty about my lack of alone time with God.  I think this has been the source of my anxiety.  I've been beating myself up about it.  Everybody knows your day goes better when you spend it with God first.   So as I was throwing a tantrum inside about it, I decided to take a shower to cool down.  Of course the boys sit in the bathroom the entire time.  I don't know what they'd do without me lol.  Anyway I was telling God, "ok, I know you want to spend time with me and I want it more than anything with You.  Tell me why you won't make the boys sleep longer or something!"  I was not expecting a response because it seemed lately that I was just not hearing anything.  I heard Him say, "I don't make them sleep longer...

  Today I saw The Shack with some of my church family and my best friend, which is a plus.  I have owned the book since Christmas, thanks to my Grandma.  God has spoken to me through the book and the movie.  I cried like a baby throughout the movie just like the book.  It's funny how God can use those outlets to remind us of His love.   We got to the theater and I had been fighting anxiety all morning.  I've actually been fighting it awhile again.  For the first 20 minutes into the movie I was just inside my head trying to fight the anxiety and negative thoughts.  I won't spoil the movie too much for those of you who haven't seen it yet lol.  Anyway it gets to the part where Mack was sitting in the boat in the middle of the lake.  He starts seeing black tar surrounding the boat and something hitting the boat really hard.  The bottom starts breaking and water starts flooding in.  He was freaking out.  Through this ha...

  Well today was a great ending to a great week /end sarcasm.  Another day feeling like a failure as a mother.  Tyler had a dentist appointment today and he's got a cavity and a watch that they need to take care of plus an infection on one of his silver caps.  These thoughts ran through my mind, "Seriously? You can't even brush his teeth correctly or enough?  Way to go, first lice now more dental work, are you going to rot all his teeth out? I told you, too much sugar!"  Oh my gosh!  Seriously stop!!!  In this moment I pictured ripping my brain out of my head and throwing it off the balcony.  Goodbye negative thoughts, hello death!    Why must I be so hard on myself?  And also why when something happens it can't just be one thing, no it has to be two, three, four, then ripping out your soul and stomping on it.  That's what this week has felt like, funny thing is, I don't even have it that bad.  I make thin...

  I took a break from writing for awhile, but I'm back again.  So much has happened since I last wrote, my latest adventure has been lice.  My 2 year old had it first and it still boggles my mind of how he got it.  We don't go anywhere so I'm clueless.  I found them in his hair on Monday, and pretty confident we are now bug free on Thursday.  I'm still going to do 2 more treatments on all of us to be safe.   To be honest, I freaked out really bad when I found them on Ethan.  I had a panic attack and cried at the store trying to find what I needed.  These thoughts ran through my mind, "you're a terrible mom because you can't even protect your child from lice, how did you not know?, where is your mom when you need her the most?, we're all going to die..."  Obviously they're all lies lol.  We didn't die and come to find out, you can actually be around people after you are treated!  I didn't even want to touch my kids becaus...