If Only...
Well today was a great ending to a great week /end sarcasm. Another day feeling like a failure as a mother. Tyler had a dentist appointment today and he's got a cavity and a watch that they need to take care of plus an infection on one of his silver caps. These thoughts ran through my mind, "Seriously? You can't even brush his teeth correctly or enough? Way to go, first lice now more dental work, are you going to rot all his teeth out? I told you, too much sugar!" Oh my gosh! Seriously stop!!! In this moment I pictured ripping my brain out of my head and throwing it off the balcony. Goodbye negative thoughts, hello death!
Why must I be so hard on myself? And also why when something happens it can't just be one thing, no it has to be two, three, four, then ripping out your soul and stomping on it. That's what this week has felt like, funny thing is, I don't even have it that bad. I make things that bad because my brain is such a drama queen. Some days I feel like I step outside of myself and make popcorn to watch the drama unfold, my brain being the main character. I'm ridiculous and I openly admit that. I totally understand why God told me to work on renewing my mind this year. What a great start! Lol. *sigh*
Like I stated above, God brought to my attention that my mind needs complete renewal. I can't fathom why that is lol. If I weren't a Christian I would absolutely think that I was 100% crazy. I'm such a roller coaster. One day I let God lead me, the next day my emotions lead me, and the vicious circle continues day after day. I feel so bad for Mike. He's put up with so much crazy. God bless him. So back on track, my mind needs renewing and everyone can see why. God lead me to read Power Thoughts by Joyce Meyer, amazing book by the way. I'm supposed to be doing twelve weeks of one power thought a week and meditating on it. I quit last week sometime. It's not that I quit on purpose, I just stop and don't realize it.
I've been trying to make it a habit to get up early enough to make time for God before my angels get up. Nope, as soon as I get up, their little alarms in their heads go off, "MOMMY IS UP!" So my sweet angels are up at 5am. I figure ok, they'll sit and watch tv and I can sneak in some reading. Nope. They're crawling all over me, then they start fighting. Ethan running around like a savage in the rain forest screaming. All at 5am. By 6am, I'm ready for bed. I have to think ok God, I really don't think I can get up earlier than 5am, please don't make me do it. Then I carry guilt around all day because I didn't start my day off with God. So I'm in a bad mood because things didn't go as planned. So everyone is in a bad mood...all day...because of me...
If only....if only I could have time to myself to pull myself together, if only there was enough time in the day, if only I had gotten my morning time with God, if only I had spent more time with my kids than worrying about things that won't matter next week, if only I was good enough to take care of these sweet boys, if only I was a good wife to an incredible man, if only I was a good daughter, if only I was a good friend, if only...if only...IF ONLY!
This is what happens when you try to control your life. When a negative thought creeps into your mind and you don't squash it. It grows into if only's. Then not only do you feel worse, then the depression creeps in and that anxiety starts beating on your chest. This, this is a day without God for me. This is hell on earth. Romans 7:15 "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." This verse sums up so much of our lives. Wanting to be more and strive for more, but always falling back into old habits.
I'm so glad God knows my heart. Man oh man am I thankful for that. He knows my true desires even when I don't. He sees my potential instead of my flaws. He's always cheering me on knowing that I can do it, even when I don't. All I want is to serve Him, that's all I truly want out of life. Why won't I just do it? That, I'm not even sure of at the moment. All that I'm really sure of is that He loves me, and He'll keep helping me up and cheering me on even when I've lost all faith in myself. "The joy of the Lord is my strength..." I will meditate on that before bed tonight. I want my joy back.
Why must I be so hard on myself? And also why when something happens it can't just be one thing, no it has to be two, three, four, then ripping out your soul and stomping on it. That's what this week has felt like, funny thing is, I don't even have it that bad. I make things that bad because my brain is such a drama queen. Some days I feel like I step outside of myself and make popcorn to watch the drama unfold, my brain being the main character. I'm ridiculous and I openly admit that. I totally understand why God told me to work on renewing my mind this year. What a great start! Lol. *sigh*
Like I stated above, God brought to my attention that my mind needs complete renewal. I can't fathom why that is lol. If I weren't a Christian I would absolutely think that I was 100% crazy. I'm such a roller coaster. One day I let God lead me, the next day my emotions lead me, and the vicious circle continues day after day. I feel so bad for Mike. He's put up with so much crazy. God bless him. So back on track, my mind needs renewing and everyone can see why. God lead me to read Power Thoughts by Joyce Meyer, amazing book by the way. I'm supposed to be doing twelve weeks of one power thought a week and meditating on it. I quit last week sometime. It's not that I quit on purpose, I just stop and don't realize it.
I've been trying to make it a habit to get up early enough to make time for God before my angels get up. Nope, as soon as I get up, their little alarms in their heads go off, "MOMMY IS UP!" So my sweet angels are up at 5am. I figure ok, they'll sit and watch tv and I can sneak in some reading. Nope. They're crawling all over me, then they start fighting. Ethan running around like a savage in the rain forest screaming. All at 5am. By 6am, I'm ready for bed. I have to think ok God, I really don't think I can get up earlier than 5am, please don't make me do it. Then I carry guilt around all day because I didn't start my day off with God. So I'm in a bad mood because things didn't go as planned. So everyone is in a bad mood...all day...because of me...
If only....if only I could have time to myself to pull myself together, if only there was enough time in the day, if only I had gotten my morning time with God, if only I had spent more time with my kids than worrying about things that won't matter next week, if only I was good enough to take care of these sweet boys, if only I was a good wife to an incredible man, if only I was a good daughter, if only I was a good friend, if only...if only...IF ONLY!
This is what happens when you try to control your life. When a negative thought creeps into your mind and you don't squash it. It grows into if only's. Then not only do you feel worse, then the depression creeps in and that anxiety starts beating on your chest. This, this is a day without God for me. This is hell on earth. Romans 7:15 "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." This verse sums up so much of our lives. Wanting to be more and strive for more, but always falling back into old habits.
I'm so glad God knows my heart. Man oh man am I thankful for that. He knows my true desires even when I don't. He sees my potential instead of my flaws. He's always cheering me on knowing that I can do it, even when I don't. All I want is to serve Him, that's all I truly want out of life. Why won't I just do it? That, I'm not even sure of at the moment. All that I'm really sure of is that He loves me, and He'll keep helping me up and cheering me on even when I've lost all faith in myself. "The joy of the Lord is my strength..." I will meditate on that before bed tonight. I want my joy back.
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