Only You Can

  It's been a good, struggle filled few days.  I swear the devil invented facebook.  It seems like most times whenever I go on it just depresses me.  You see everyone doing things and enjoying their lives, here I am at home most days doing nothing.  I might be feeling a little depressed today.  Haven't been feeling too well either. 

  The great news is Mike and I have been doing workouts together which is fun and we spend time together laughing a lot, particularly at each other lol.  I've realized so much about my marriage.  I've missed him so incredibly much since he's been on third shift.  I hate going to bed without him.  He sleeps an awful lot so we don't really spend time together.  Third shift needs to be banned.  We were not created to sleep during the day and work at night.  He could sleep for 24 hours straight and it still wouldn't be enough.  I feel for all of you third shift wives.

  A couple nights ago I was really feeling like something was about to happen.  A big change is coming.  I don't know what it is, I do feel it's a positive thing.  One of the perks of being a child of God, you get feelings sometimes when something great is going to happen.  I've been feeling this burning desire to do more with my life.  I want to do more for God.  I know that He has something amazing planned for me, but some days I feel like I just can't reach it.  Completely opposite of the picture above, I feel like I'm holding myself back and I'm not sure how to let go.

  I'm ready to live an extraordinary life.  I want to be and do more than this.  Being a mom will always be my first priority, but I'm just desiring more.  God isn't giving me any hints as to what is about to happen.  Satan obviously knows more than I do because he is working overtime in our household.  Just this morning I practically handed him my joy and peace.  I'm not sure why I would do that.  I've always been an easy target because I give up so easily.  I don't want to be an easy target anymore.  I want to be strong in my faith and know without a shadow of a doubt that God goes before me and I don't need to fear.

  Fear is such an ugly word.  I still struggle with negative thoughts when I'm not feeling well.  Just this morning I was feeling light headed and I had the thought, you need to go to the doctor asap or your going to die.  Ridiculous.  This morning I read, "Until the power of fear is broken in our lives, we are held captive to it, which means we are not free to follow our hearts or to follow God."  That was from the 12 Power Thoughts by Joyce Meyer.  Hey I'm actually sticking with it this time, I'm on week 3.  So is that what is holding me back?  Am I still a slave to fear?  I'm leaning towards yes.

  The thing is, because I'm a child of God, I'm not a slave to anything anymore.  I just don't think it's quite clicking in my brain yet.  I'm keeping myself in chains for whatever reason.  Maybe it's somehow comforting?  That makes no sense, but I've always lived in fear for as long as I can remember.  I wonder if I have passed this down to Tyler because he is afraid of everything.  He can't even sleep in his own bed half the time because he's afraid of something.  I hate seeing him like that.  I hate seeing him afraid to do things or worrying about things.  I've passed on bad things to him that I wish I could take back.  Satan is building a fortress of fear in his mind, just like he did with me.

  So what do I do about fear?  Well, what I do know is that this is something only I can do.  God can most definitely help me and give me the tools, but I'm holding myself back and only I can let go.  I'm honestly not quite sure at the moment how to do that, but I have no doubt that God will show me what I need to know and do.  He always does, another perk of being a child of God.  He always gives direction when you ask for it.  The day is not over either.  Satan is about to get his butt kicked back to hell because I'm sick and tired of his crap.  I need my peace and joy today, and I'm going to take it back. 

  So my lesson for myself today is that only I can.  Only I can do what I know I need to do to be peaceful and joyful.  Even if I'm sick as a dog, I can still hang onto to God's comfort and peace and be ok.  Nobody else can do this for me.  Some days I don't feel like doing things but if I don't do them, who will?  God gave me responsibilities to take care of everyday and regardless of how I'm feeling, I have to do it.  Some days I have to push myself more than others.  I have to keep going, if I stop then that's it for me.  I can't stop, not today.  Keep getting up and keep going!