The Honest Truth
I took a break from writing for awhile, but I'm back again. So much has happened since I last wrote, my latest adventure has been lice. My 2 year old had it first and it still boggles my mind of how he got it. We don't go anywhere so I'm clueless. I found them in his hair on Monday, and pretty confident we are now bug free on Thursday. I'm still going to do 2 more treatments on all of us to be safe.
To be honest, I freaked out really bad when I found them on Ethan. I had a panic attack and cried at the store trying to find what I needed. These thoughts ran through my mind, "you're a terrible mom because you can't even protect your child from lice, how did you not know?, where is your mom when you need her the most?, we're all going to die..." Obviously they're all lies lol. We didn't die and come to find out, you can actually be around people after you are treated! I didn't even want to touch my kids because I didn't want to re-infest anyone. I was considering shaving my head like Britney Spears, I am so ashamed of my behavior with this incident.
And where was God the whole time? Watching me lose my marbles all over the place. Did I go to Him first thing? No. Why? Because something was happening out of my control and I had to scramble to gain it back. Did you? Of course not! When do I ever have control over a situation? You have a point there lol. So, let's be honest, was the panic attack and anxiety worth it? Heck no, it made things 100% worse. Did you learn your lesson? Probably not, but I hope so.
Something else I had learned was that I was so angry with my mom for not being here with me. Past circumstances has torn us apart and I haven't seen or talked to her in years. Let's be honest, I miss her so incredibly much. I wish that we could have a relationship and do mother/daughter things. It seems every woman who comes into my life I try to put in her position because I long for that relationship so much. So mama's if you're reading this, don't ever think that what you do isn't important. You, just you, is enough for your children. They want your time, they want your attention, they want your affirmation, they want your encouragement, they want your help, they want your boundaries, they want to see you smile at them with so much love that your heart is about to burst. Don't ever think that you're not important....
Back to what I was saying, I realized that our generation relies so much on our parents. Most of us are parents ourselves right now, have confidence in yourself and that you know what you're doing. No our kids didn't come with instruction manuals, but God created us with parental instincts. Regardless of how you were raised, you can raise your children to be good and decent human beings. Too many parents these days are always trying to be rid of their kids whether it's off to grandparents all the time or activities or what have you, and we wonder why kids are the way they are these days. They don't have that sense of security from their parents, they don't have those much needed boundaries. I myself am working on all of these things. There are days I am the most selfish person and don't want to be around my kids, but who is going to raise them for me? When you gave birth to your children, you signed yourself and your time on the dotted line. This is but a short time in our life, this kid raising business.
I didn't need my mother here for this lice fiasco, as much as I thought and wanted her. I had all the information I needed from Google or friends. I need to be more confident as a mother. I'm 28 years old but inside I feel like a scared little girl sometimes trying to figure out this crazy world. Sometimes I forget that I have the most powerful tool of all, I have God. The all powerful, mighty God. The One who can move mountains, the One with one word can calm the seas. The One who can calm the raging storm inside of me some days. I sit and think and I don't know what I would do without Him, but how many days do I go without Him? Let's be honest, more days than I care to admit.
So what do I do now? Well, I pick up where I left off. I turn myself around on this crooked path and I run back to God as fast as my little legs can carry me. Sometimes I think I know better, that I can do a better job than God. Let's be honest, that's exactly what we're saying when we are trying to do life on our own. And you know what my heart has been saying this whole week, I love you God, can you hear me God? I'm scared God, I miss you God....and you know what He tells me? My daughter, I'm here. I never left you. I'm waiting for you to come back. I miss you, I love you, I forgive you...and that's the honest truth.
To be honest, I freaked out really bad when I found them on Ethan. I had a panic attack and cried at the store trying to find what I needed. These thoughts ran through my mind, "you're a terrible mom because you can't even protect your child from lice, how did you not know?, where is your mom when you need her the most?, we're all going to die..." Obviously they're all lies lol. We didn't die and come to find out, you can actually be around people after you are treated! I didn't even want to touch my kids because I didn't want to re-infest anyone. I was considering shaving my head like Britney Spears, I am so ashamed of my behavior with this incident.
And where was God the whole time? Watching me lose my marbles all over the place. Did I go to Him first thing? No. Why? Because something was happening out of my control and I had to scramble to gain it back. Did you? Of course not! When do I ever have control over a situation? You have a point there lol. So, let's be honest, was the panic attack and anxiety worth it? Heck no, it made things 100% worse. Did you learn your lesson? Probably not, but I hope so.
Something else I had learned was that I was so angry with my mom for not being here with me. Past circumstances has torn us apart and I haven't seen or talked to her in years. Let's be honest, I miss her so incredibly much. I wish that we could have a relationship and do mother/daughter things. It seems every woman who comes into my life I try to put in her position because I long for that relationship so much. So mama's if you're reading this, don't ever think that what you do isn't important. You, just you, is enough for your children. They want your time, they want your attention, they want your affirmation, they want your encouragement, they want your help, they want your boundaries, they want to see you smile at them with so much love that your heart is about to burst. Don't ever think that you're not important....
Back to what I was saying, I realized that our generation relies so much on our parents. Most of us are parents ourselves right now, have confidence in yourself and that you know what you're doing. No our kids didn't come with instruction manuals, but God created us with parental instincts. Regardless of how you were raised, you can raise your children to be good and decent human beings. Too many parents these days are always trying to be rid of their kids whether it's off to grandparents all the time or activities or what have you, and we wonder why kids are the way they are these days. They don't have that sense of security from their parents, they don't have those much needed boundaries. I myself am working on all of these things. There are days I am the most selfish person and don't want to be around my kids, but who is going to raise them for me? When you gave birth to your children, you signed yourself and your time on the dotted line. This is but a short time in our life, this kid raising business.
I didn't need my mother here for this lice fiasco, as much as I thought and wanted her. I had all the information I needed from Google or friends. I need to be more confident as a mother. I'm 28 years old but inside I feel like a scared little girl sometimes trying to figure out this crazy world. Sometimes I forget that I have the most powerful tool of all, I have God. The all powerful, mighty God. The One who can move mountains, the One with one word can calm the seas. The One who can calm the raging storm inside of me some days. I sit and think and I don't know what I would do without Him, but how many days do I go without Him? Let's be honest, more days than I care to admit.
So what do I do now? Well, I pick up where I left off. I turn myself around on this crooked path and I run back to God as fast as my little legs can carry me. Sometimes I think I know better, that I can do a better job than God. Let's be honest, that's exactly what we're saying when we are trying to do life on our own. And you know what my heart has been saying this whole week, I love you God, can you hear me God? I'm scared God, I miss you God....and you know what He tells me? My daughter, I'm here. I never left you. I'm waiting for you to come back. I miss you, I love you, I forgive you...and that's the honest truth.
Comments
Post a Comment