Even When It Hurts

 

  This morning on facebook I read an article about the possibility of pot being legalized in Illinois.  I'm so angry right now, I'm shaking as I write this.  I'm completely against drugs of any kind whatsoever.  I have heard good things medically about it and that's good I suppose.  I just don't like thinking about drugs or hearing about them, like I said it just makes me angry.

  I was adopted when I was 2.  My birth mother was heavily into drugs.  She stopped long enough in the pregnancy for me to be ok, I found that out recently.  They pulled her back in though after she had me.  Nobody knows where she is, I will probably never get to meet her.  I do think about her more and more the older I get.  I have pictures of her and she was so beautiful.  When I was 6 and found out I was adopted, I went through filing cabinets when no one was home and found a card she had sent me.  She told me that she loved me so much.  That's all I remember. 

  Fast forward to now and alcohol is taking my adopted Dad from me.  My adopted Mom isn't in my life either.  Some days I just feel like, seriously?  Why can't you just love me and be here for me?  I'm feeling so much pain and loss today.  Most days I am strong and I can get through it and not think about it.  This whole drug thing this morning just set me off and opened up any wounds I ever had.  I just need one day to grieve and then I'll be ok.

  Thinking about things today, I don't think I've ever dealt with any of this.  Recent events with my Dad aren't making things better either.  I've said that I have an addiction to games, so I know what addiction can do.  Obviously not to the full extent of drugs and alcohol, but I know what it feels like to be wrapped up in something and not getting out of it.  It hurts so much talking about it.  Parents of today, this is why you are so important!  Do you want your kids feeling like this?  Feeling the loss of their parents?  Not having you there to talk to, to have secrets with, to turn to when you have problems and need their wisdom...this generation of parents needs to put our priorities on the table and move them around so our kids are the most important thing, right after marriage.

  If your parents are still around today, I urge you to cherish them.  Spend as much time as you can with them because there are some people who don't get that opportunity.  Call them up and tell them how much you love them.  If I didn't have God, I would be very very lost today.  Yes I can take moments to grieve, but most importantly I have to remember that God is my Father first and foremost and He can do anything for me and wants to.  He is the real role model for fathers to follow and mothers too.  God is the only one that can heal the pain in my heart. 

  Even when it hurts like this, I can know for sure that my Father loves and cares about what I'm going through.  Even when it hurts, I have to keep pushing forward because I have children of my own to love and care for.

"Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
'Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart
You steady my heart."

- Kari Jobe "Steady My Heart"