Perfect Me, Perfect You

  I had a complete revelation today.  God has really been opening my eyes to a lot of truth.  I've been asking for it, so I'm thankful for all this knowledge.  Have you noticed in society today the lack of maturity?  I mean seriously, you have adults acting like children.  The world has coddled us so much that we don't even know how to deal with problems anymore.   I was just thinking about why I can't stand myself at times.  I started thinking about maybe it's guilt over things.  Suddenly my mind started going back months, then 5 years and 10 years.  Yeah I have guilt because I still haven't forgiven myself for things having to do with exes and parents and friends.  You know why?  I never dealt with the issues.  I have so much unforgiveness towards myself that it has turned into worthlessness and hate within myself.  Society doesn't tell you to face your problems.  Society tells you to drink and do dr...

  I really believe God is taking me on a journey to love myself.  I'm here and willing and waiting for His plan to unfold in my life, but I still need some fine tuning.  If we're honest, we are always going to need fine tuning, up until He calls us home.  Anyway, I know I said before that God was convicting me about makeup and I have worn it once since then.  My church had a big event and I was scared to not wear it lol.  Honestly, I get anxious when I'm around people without makeup.  That's a big red flag right there and I understand why God told me not to wear it.   No woman should ever feel like she has to wear makeup all the time to be beautiful.  I struggled before going to church though.  I'm struggling with acne right now and I feel I look hideous.  I can't look in the mirror without saying something hurtful or negative.  You need to fix this and do that and you really need to just stop eating, etc.  It's...

  Today I was talking to a good friend and I told him that I feel like I had been traveling on my own road and asking God to intervene when times got tough.  I wanted to do things my way, but I believed in God enough to be a Christian. I didn't always live like it though.  I was honestly so stuck.  I was stuck in my laziness, I was stuck in bad habits, I was stuck in doing just enough to say that I was a good person.  I hated it.  I hated who I was.  I hated that I knew without a doubt that I was going nowhere.  In that place I was at, I couldn't do what God wanted me to do and couldn't be what He wanted me to be.   Then Avery happened, and Avery was taken away.  It was like I was walking down my road as usual and suddenly a bomb dropped right in front of me.  Throwing me back with the impact of the explosion.  For awhile I was scared and didn't know what was happening or where I was going.  Scared isn't even th...

  For awhile now I didn't realize it, but God has been tugging at my heart about my appearance.  You go on facebook and you see all these makeup tutorials.  The girl at the beginning doesn't look like the girl at the end.  Why are we so adamant about looking like someone else?  I've said this before that convictions are different for everyone and this is just one that God is putting before me.   I have become so dependent on makeup.  I need makeup to be beautiful.  Without it I'm absolutely hideous.  Like the hunchback of notre dame, I get you buddy!  I feel like God is peeling layers away with me.  He has done so much work on the inside and He continues to, but He's beginning on the outside.  What came to my mind was that my New Year's resolution is going to be no makeup next year at all.  I don't want to be a girl that when you remove the makeup that I don't look anything like I do with it.  I don't want ...

  The other day on Facebook I saw a post and it said something like, "Avoid post your problems on facebook, your problems need personal attention not social media attention..." something to that effect.  I was thinking about this and obviously it is all about perspective.  I post a lot on facebook, not because I'm seeking attention, but because I want to share my story.  I have posted a lot about my miscarriage and my appointments because I want to help others going through the same thing.  Not everyone is okay with letting the world know what they're going through, I am.   I think that God made me an open and honest person for a reason.  I love sharing with people and hopefully encouraging and helping them through what I'm going through.  Throughout high school and my young adult life, I did become an attention seeker and went after the wrong things and people.  I didn't know how to be loved and accept it, so when I was bored I we...

   Hebrews 4:12 (ASV)   For the word of God is living, and active, and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing even to the dividing of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and quick to discern the thoughts and intents of the heart.   I grew up in a private school.  There was a teacher I had in high school but she was actually a substitute so I didn't have her all the time.  I couldn't tell you exactly what it was about her, but whenever I walked into the classroom and saw her, I just lit up.  She was very easy going and laid back.  She never yelled at you.  She would talk to you like you were an adult.  She listened mostly.  You knew you could go to her with any problem you had and she would encourage you.  She is a godly woman with godly advice.  Fast forward a few years and here I run into her again at my church!  When I knew she was going there, I was ecstatic!   She has helped me through...

  Well, I had a great week!  Honestly the prayers and encouragement from others have been extremely effective.  Today, well today, here comes the waves.   A dear friend from church lost family and when I saw him, my heart started aching all over again.  I can't say I know how he feels through his circumstances of loss, but I do know the hurt and pain of loss.  He used a good word, numb.  Some days that's exactly what it feels like.  I think that numbness comes from the deepest level of pain.  It's pain that your body and mind can't comprehend so you just go numb.   I wish we didn't have to deal with loss at all, but that's a part of living in a sinful perishable world.  And what can you say to people who have just lost someone, honestly, not much.  Hugs work the best.  I love this picture of a crashing wave.  That's exactly what it feels like.  Life is just moving along then you look up and see this monst...

  God gave me the most beautiful vision.  There was a little girl with long brown hair.  She was running in tall grass chasing butterflies and laughing.  I believe it was Jesus standing there watching and laughing with her.  I believe this little girl was Avery.  It brought me to tears, tears of joy and peace.  God let me see my baby and that she's more than okay and happy as could be.   God knows what our hearts need even when we don't.  Our hearts and minds don't always connect, but He knows what we deeply need.  When I was at the hospital, actually when I woke up that morning, I didn't ask God to come and be with me.  He knew I needed Him there whether I asked Him or not.  I think it's like that a lot because He is our Father and He loves us so much.  He is a Father you can depend on no matter what.  It doesn't matter if you just sinned, He is right there for you.  It doesn't matter if you just lost a lo...

  I really don't want to talk about yesterday, but I want to be completely honest about my journey and the things I go through and deal with. The only way I could accurately describe it was my transformation into the Incredible Hulk.  It was that bad just without the destruction of things and people lol.  I woke up with such an anger.  I have never been that angry before.  Poor Mike had to deal with me.  I told him not to talk to me but he insisted so I was very cruel and ignorant.  I took it out on him.  I didn't think I would be angry at God through this process but I was wrong.  I was angry with Him and everyone else.  I wanted to throw things and punch things, but I settled for cleaning my grandma's house with my 3 year old.  Biggest mistake ever and it will not happen again lol.  Never bring a toddler to clean someone's house.  He doesn't know you're not supposed to walk on wet floors or the rule about taking...

  I woke up this morning pretty sad and angry.  As soon as you feel like you're in a good place, it comes back and hits you.  Everyone I know who has lost someone and grieved, I get it now.  It's an emotional roller coaster.  Everyone grieves loss differently because we are all different.  I didn't think I would get to this anger stage at all.  I have no reason to be mad at God.  I think when we're weak and our walls start crumbling, satan grabs that opportunity to feed you 100 lies all at once.  You're full of confusion and emotions that you don't even want to feel.   I think the biggest things satan points out especially with the loss of a child, he points out everyone who is having a baby.  You start feeling angry and you start judging them and if they are good parents or if they deserve a baby.  That sounds cruel doesn't it?  He starts pointing out the parents who complain about their kids, then your point of v...

  The first picture is a box we both decided on that would give us something to remember about Avery.  It was a very tough day making this, especially seeing the ultrasound pictures.  I remember that day laying there and hearing a perfectly healthy heartbeat wondering if the myths were true and the heartbeat decided gender.  We were praying for our girl, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that God promised me a girl.  Whether He meant with this pregnancy or in the future, I really am not sure.  This day I was so incredibly happy and the pregnancy felt so real to me.  In the second picture, this was taken the day I didn't hear Avery's heart anymore.  It's the only picture I ever took of Avery and I.   This pregnancy was planned but unexpected.  We decided we wanted to start trying for a baby so we did for three months.  Our house came unexpectedly at the same time.  We did not realize that we were going to be buying ...

  Today has been a blah kind of day.  Tyler came home sick yesterday and I'm starting to feel it and I can tell by Ethan's eyes that he's feeling it too.  You know when you're sick and weak, satan loves attacking you.  I was so bad about believing his lies today.  I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I had a tumor with my baby.  So of course I've been dwelling on that and worrying even though my chances of it coming back are super slim.   While I was working tonight, I was talking to God and telling him that I'm scared about what happens from here.  I'm scared about the tumor coming back and having to do chemo, I'm scared about the "what ifs".  At the same time, I was telling Him, whatever it takes.  Do with me whatever needs to be done to further your kingdom.  I am all yours, everything in my life, it's Yours.  Take it and do whatever you want to do.  There is freedom in telling God "do whatever it...

  Woke up to another day filled with things to do.  Honestly I'm so thankful for my two boys, they keep my mind preoccupied.  I said it before, but it's funny how death changes people.  I've woken up the last 7 days and the world is so different now.  The first few days everything seemed darker and quiet, but now everything seems more vibrant and full of life.  When you give everything to God, He has ways of making beauty from the ashes.   After losing Avery I feel like I cherish the boys so much more.  I want to do everything with them and love on them all the time.  Things that used to be important in my mind, aren't so important anymore.  Spending time with my family is most important.  Life doesn't stop in the wake of tragedies, I still have to get up everyday and prepare Tyler for school and get my day going with Ethan.  I'm so thankful for that because it doesn't leave any room for depression to creep in for me....

  I can honestly say that today was a good day.  Saying that kind of makes me feel guilty.  I think I started believing that if I'm happy, that means that I've forgotten Avery.  That's completely false and one of the traps satan uses to keep you in a deep sadness.  God spoke to me a lot today.  He answered a lot of questions that I had, the biggest one was "how am I supposed to feel?"   There are 2 types of grieving.  One takes you down the road of depression, and the other takes you down the road of hope.  I was starting to go down the first one.  I've dealt with depression most of my life, I know all the signs in myself when it's coming.  I've learned to hate those feelings instead of them being my comfort like they used to be.  Last night my husband and I got into our first argument after this happened and I say said some very hurtful things.  Hurt people hurt people.  I realized last night that I was going d...

  Wednesday, October 25, I had my 12 week checkup at the doctor.  I was feeling so anxious to hear my little one's heartbeat.  The week before I had a dream that I miscarried, and I didn't feel well the day before.  The doctor's office was packed and they were so behind.  They just merged with another medical company so they had to change their whole system.  They finally called me back and they asked me all the normal 12 week questions, about family genetics and what not.  She checked my blood pressure and it was a little high so she asked me if I was nervous, I said yes I was but I wasn't sure why.    After that I had to wait some more.  The doctor finally came in and was joking about how many kids I wanted or if I wanted my tubes tied this time.  We scheduled the c-section for 39 weeks.  Then he said alright let's see if we can find a heartbeat.  I told him that I hate this stage in pregnancy because you can't quit...

   So there has been an ongoing dispute probably for years as to why Christians should NOT celebrate Halloween.  I recently got into a dispute about it on facebook, which I should not have.  We do carve pumpkins and go trick-or-treating.  I also know people who do not because of their convictions about it, and that's ok too.   Today I was reading Romans 14, holy cow, there's a lot to unpack.  The gist of it is, let convictions be convictions.  Everyone has a conviction about something.  Everyone's convictions are usually different but they do agree amongst some people.  Anyway there was a lady commenting on how Halloween is satan's holiday and no Christian should celebrate satan.  I disagreed.  I think it is what you make it.  It's all about your heart.  When I take my kids out, I am not thinking about satan at all.  I'm thinking, "oh my gosh! Look at all the kids and how cute they are!!"  I asked my old...

  So I have not written in a very long time.  I've missed it so much and it has been much needed in my life lately.  Just a recap, we bought our very first house in September!!  Very very exciting and we absolutely love it here.  We're never moving again unless God calls us elsewhere lol.  We are also expecting our 3rd child.  I will be 3 months along in 2 days.  Lots of craziness happening, mostly in my mind lol.   I've been struggling a lot lately, it seems like so many things honestly.  Am I ready for another baby?!  I'm not sure anyone is really ready for babies, it's just something that happens and you adapt.  I'm on medication right now that ensure I don't miscarry, man this stuff makes me so tired to the point that I could pass out.  I hate it.  I don't have time to sleep, mostly because I don't trust my crazy 3 year old if that were to happen lol.  Thankfully they will start weaning me off of it when...

  This morning my devotion came out of Isaiah 35:1 "Thirsty deserts will be glad; barren lands will celebrate and blossom with flowers."  Isaiah said that where God withdrew, everything turned to a wasteland and chaos reigned.  Where God took control, the desert became a garden.   God was completely speaking to me through this.  This was His personal message to me today.  I tell you what, I struggled all day long.  Had the biggest panic attack I have had in years and it was just ridiculous.  Just goes to show that we still have to deal with things on a daily basis.  Life is not a one and done type of deal.  I'm on the verge of a huge change and have started making steps, and somebody (I won't mention any names: SATAN) is throwing a tantrum because he knows he can't keep his hold on me.  I wish that I had dealt with it better.  I know what to do when that happens but I kind of let some negative thoughts slip through and...

  Today I have not been feeling well at all.  I've been queasy all day and stomach aches, headaches, sinus pressure, it's been fun.  Of course my imagination gets the best of me today.  I fought fear for a good portion of the day.  I don't think my biggest fear could be any more obvious.  I don't want to die.  Funny that a Christian should say that considering where I'm going after I'm gone.  I don't want to leave my husband and boys, I love them too much.  So anything and everything crossed my mind today of what could be wrong.  Oh the possibilities.  I cooked and laid out a complete buffet for fear to feed on.  Why, why, why???   As I finished my chapter in my Power Thought book, this week was "I will not live in fear", how fitting to end the chapter today.  I think I'm going to redo this chapter this coming week as well, I really need it to sink in.  I did have a pretty big breakthrough about it ...